30 May 2002
Regular readers of the weekly chess articles which are printed in this newspaper will have followed the progress of Barry Chess Club over past seasons and have by now no doubt become familiar with some of the rules which govern East Glamorgan Chess Association and Welsh Chess Union matches.
Anyone with more than a passing interest in the game is always welcome to visit the Witchill Hotel on any Wednesday evening at 7:45 p.m. to enjoy some friendly games with club members or, if the mood so takes them, to find out more about the rules under which league and cup matches are played.
Certain things however are not printed in the rule book and a quiet week when no matches involving Barry Chess Club have taken place presents an opportunity to acquaint the uninitiated with a tongue in cheek guide to a few of the types of opponents which they may face across a chess board along with suggested methods of dealing with them.
Folds arms so that elbows almost rest on the chess board, raises upper torso and leans far over the board when it is his turn to move. Slams piece down hard when making a move before hitting the chess clock with at least equal if not greater force. Slouches in chair with an air of disinterest, yawning or reading a newspaper, twiddling thumbs, looking around the room and exhaling frequently and loudly when it is his opponent’s turn to move.
Combat Technique
When waiting for him to move, rest own elbows on table but with forearms vertical and chin supported on clenched fists. Stare fixedly at him with manic smile. While considering your own move, periodically scribble illegible hieroglyphics in the margin of your score sheet. Despite his apparent air of indifference, the Intimidator will have been watching you carefully out of the corner of his eye and should now stop huffing in an attempt to decipher what you have written. Frequently hover your hand over a piece which you have no intention of moving - this will give him something to concentrate on as he will be unable to resist calculating the consequences of what he will perceive as a bad move. When you make your actual move he will become vaguely disorientated and irritated at having wasted a substantial portion of his limited mental capacity.
Will usually sit with hands clasped between thighs while thinking of a move. When executing a move, will pick up a piece between thumb and index finger and place it exactly in the centre of the square to which it is moving. Will replace cap on pen after recording move - in copperplate handwriting naturally - and position it with geometric precision, horizontally across score sheet below the last line on which he has written.
Combat Technique
Leave your own pieces as much off-centre of their squares as legally possible. This may induce him to make captures in order to remove your pieces from the board even if these are not the best moves. Visibly eat a bag of crisps or similar then lick your fingers but ensure that some oily residue remains. Pretend that you have not recorded the moves correctly and extend your hand, quickly removing his pen while grabbing and crumpling his pristine score sheet saying politely “I think that I’ve made a mistake - you don’t mind if I check my sheet against yours do you?” He will mind but will be too shocked to resist or make any sound other than a strange, high pitched, gurgling noise. Hold these items long enough to ensure that the pen becomes slippery and the score sheet is embossed with a greasy thumbprint. The perfectionist should thus have been rendered incapable of playing in a rational manner and will swiftly capitulate, destroy his score sheet and leave the room in order to obtain a cleansing agent with which to restore his writing implement to its former glory.
Disturbs and annoys opponents by persistently clearing his throat during a game.
Combat Technique
This is a difficult one to counter as the cough is more likely than not the manifestation of a nervous condition and the culprit seldom realises what he is doing. It is essential that the Cougher be made aware of his actions. Opponents should hold a handkerchief over their face during the game (if available, a dust mask a la Michael Jackson is even better!). Frequently offer the offender cough sweets or peppermints. Be prepared to administer first aid as your actions will further affect your opponent’s nerves and, in his anxiety not to continue coughing, he may choke. Remember to claim the game should he do so.
Lack of space prohibits mention of such other formidable adversaries as ‘The Gourmet’ who enjoys consuming something akin to a three course meal while playing, ‘The Whistler’ whose happy disposition can prove extremely difficult to appreciate and the dreaded ‘Garlic Eater’ but be warned, they are all out there waiting to trap the unwary.
If anyone tells you that it’s just a game, don’t believe them - they are only trying to get you to lower your defences!
Less frivolous information regarding chess may be obtained by visiting Barry Chess Club’s web site at www.barrychessclub.org.uk.